We're really tired of hearing people say "That was the worst movie ever!" when they're talking about average movies. Stop with the hyperbole, people, because nothing you've seen at the theater is the "worst ever." Have you ever witnessed Tommy Wiseau trying to act? Seen the atrociousness that is Silent Night, Deadly Night 2? Seen Steve Carell in the best fight scene ever? No? Then you haven't seen the worst of anything!
We were once a Bad Movie Club, you know. We sought out, found, watched, and then regretted watching 100's of the worst movies that mankind has ever made... until it nearly drove us mad, and forced us to swear off of them forever. All joking aside, that's honestly just about how it went.
So with all of us having been severely warped by the bottom of the cinematic barrel, it kills us every time someone applies the title "worst ever!" to just about anything, because most of them have no idea what they're talking about. It really comes down to one of two things:
- They just haven't seen very many truly bad movies.
- When they say "Worst ever!" they really mean "It was really bad" or "I hated it!"
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| NOW THIS IS A BAD MOVIE. NOT THE WORST EVER, BUT REALLY BAD. |
Sure, maybe Showgirls sucked, and maybe Ben Affleck deserves some ribbing for Gigli, because it wasn't very good, but neither of those movies come close to being the worst movie ever... and yet they always show up in any sort of "Worst Ever" discussion.
There's a movie out there that's called The Curse of Count Chocula. Let that shit sink in for a few seconds. THE CURSE OF COUNT CHOCULA. Can you honestly say that Transformers 4 or John Carter could even come close to being as horrendous as that title suggests? Hell, Step Up to Da Streets part 14 doesn't even come close to sounding that bad.
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| WE'VE SEEN SOME SHIT. |
So we dare you to get on our level, and sit through any of the following celluloid travesties... all while not breaking your TV. Or crying. Or laughing, because some of these movies are comedic gold, even if they are painful to endure.
Then, and only then, will you begin to understand what the words "Worst Ever" truly mean.
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| NUKIE (1988) |
What were they thinking when they made Nukie? It's clear that someone in South Africa was all like "Let's make our own version of E.T.!", but what's not clear is why nobody stopped them from doing it.
Nukie is the story of two alien brothers named Nukie & Miko (who look like retarded raisins), crash-landing on Earth, and becoming separated... and the heartwarming journey that Nukie embarks upon to find Miko. Along the way, Nukie meets two little kids named Tiko and Toki who help him find "America" where Miko is laying in some hospital bed like he has Ebola.
Why does Nukie constantly have snot dripping from his nose? Why does he have a British accent? And who in God's name decided that having this creepy little alien do a Michael Jackson-esque dance number was a good idea?
This movie is so bad, that you really have to see it to understand. It might honestly be the worst "kids" movie ever.
Watch Nukie on YouTube.
Watch the trailer HERE.
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| ALIEN WARRIOR (1986) |
As far as bad movies go, it really gets no better than Alien Warrior aka King of the Streets.
Buddy, the alien and son of Santa, comes to Earth to prove himself worthy or ruling his home planet by searching for, and then fighting "great evil." Of course great evil is a pimp, which totally makes sense, because only an intergalactic monarch could ever beat a pimp in a street fight, right?
Brett Baxter Clark's acting in this one is so stiff that it makes Michael Pare or Channing Tatum look like Daniel Day Lewis by comparison. That's alright though, because at the point when Buddy randomly walks into a sick child's hospital room and tells her "touch my beard" in an effort to heal her illness, all was forgiven. Yeah, he cured her aids with his space beard.
"Are you great evil?
"Nooooooo moooooorrrreeee!"
"Touch my beard."
This movie is comedic gold.
Watch Alien Warrior on YouTube.
Watch the trailer HERE.
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| R.O.T.O.R. (1987) |
Why does R.O.T.O.R. exist? Because somebody who had $8, a camera, and absolutely no filmmaking talent whatsoever really loved The Terminator, that's why. Or maybe it was Robocop. R.O.T.O.R. is a bit of both.
It's really hard to articulate how bad this movie is. Yeah it's cheap and definitely Z-grade in its production values, but it's really the acting that makes this one especially painful... and so utterly enjoyable. Richard Gesswein, who played the her of the movie named Coldyron, looked like someone found him at a wayward home for defeated cowpokes, and offered him 2 new pairs of wrangler jeans and a half used can of skoal to star in a movie. He was so bad that they had to dub someone else's voice over his lines for the entire movie. Lines like "You fire me and I'll make more noise than two skeletons making love in a tin coffin, brother!"
Who wrote that?!?
And R.O.T.O.R., the terrifying killer cyborg? Well, he looks like the gay biker from The Village People. Why would he have a moustache?!?
Why did this movie even happen?
Watch the trailer HERE.
Watch the R.O.T.O.R. RiffTrax trailer HERE.
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| ROCK N ROLL NIGHTMARE (1987) |
Oh man, is this movie ever a special level of shitty.
Set on a farm in rural Canada, muscle-bound and well-oiled frontman John Triton and his half-assed heavy metal band, The Tritons, open up a portal to hell with their shitty music, unleashing a horde of retarded puppets on the world, and Triton is forced to oil up, put on Rob Halford's leather-studded thong, and fight Satan himself, who has arrived on earth in paper mache puppet form.
This movie is so cheap and shitty that during the final battle when Satan is hurling starfish (?!?) at an almost naked John Triton, the dude has to catch them and hold them against his body and pretend like they're hurting him.
This one will bring every kind of tear to your eyes.
Watch Rock n Roll Nightmare on YouTube.
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| HARD ROCK ZOMBIES (1985) |
A shitty hair metal band picks up a hitchhiking whore who takes them to the town of Grand Guignol for a gig, where lead singer Jessie (who looks like he's easily in his 30's) falls in love with Cassie (who I'm pretty sure is 14 at most.) Their love is short-lived though, as the whorish blonde's family -which includes Adolf Hitler (seriously), and a werewolf version of Eva Braun (still serious)- kills the band. No worries though, because they're brought back to life by Cassie playing their own music over their graves... which turns them into Hard Rock Zombies.
That synopsis alone should make you curious to see this one, as well as question humanity in general. This movie is beyond abysmal, but as crazy as it sounds, it does have one hell of a soundtrack. Cassie's Song still gets regular play on my iPod. Honestly.
Watch the trailer HERE.
Watch the video for Cassie's Song HERE.
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| GYMKATA (1985) |
"His only weapon... himself!"
"The skill of Gymnastics... the kill of Karate!"
"Combine the discipline, the timing, and the power of Gymnastics, with the explosive force of Karate, and a new, all-powerful Martial Art is born... Gymkata!"
Good lord, does writing get any better than that? I can't even type "The kill of karate!" without laughing my ass off.
For some reason in the 80's, someone thought that putting gymnasts in movies was a good idea. As if watching Mitch Gaylord romancing Wayne Gretzky's wife in American Anthem wasn't painful enough, we had to endure Kurt Thomas traveling to rural Buttfuckistan to battle some Cossack thugs in Gymkata. He was only trying to save the world from nuclear war... with his gymnastic karate... because why use a Special Forces operative when you have a wispy gymnast at your disposal?
Lucky for him that this backwards country had a stone pommel horse sitting right in the middle of a courtyard, or else his Gymkata would have been useless. There's also a parallel bar in an alley that comes in pretty handy, but we digress.
Watch the trailer HERE.
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| TROLL 2 (1990) |
Troll 2 is such a bad movie, that there's a documentary about how bad it is... and how much people love it. It's honestly so bad that it almost plays like a parody of other shitty 80's Z-grade Horror movies.
You can read our full review below to get the lengthy breakdown of the movie, but here are a few random thoughts to tide you over until then:
- Not only did someone actually write this movie thinking it would be good, but someone financed the fucker.
- Did they find these actors at a soup kitchen?
- What was with the annoying, overly-sweaty, house-pissing little brother?
- We loved the hot sister, and her in-movie Mento's commercial audition.
- The fact that the town is cleverly named Nilbog, which is Goblin spelled backwards.
- The fact that at times, we were convinced that the "Goblins" were wearing green sweatsuits.
- "Oh my Gooooooooooooood!"
This movie is sickly brilliant.
Watch the trailer HERE.
Watch the infamous "Oh my god!" scene HERE.
So you see, there's an entire world of horrible, horrendous movies out there that are far worse than anything that most people have ever seen. There are many, many more bad movies of this caliber out there, but we'll get to them later when we review them for our Bad Movie Friday column.
For now though, here are a few pictures from some of the worst movies we've ever seen.
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